Music (The Lack Thereof)

This might be a pensive post.

Just a lot of thoughts on my mind.

Yesterday was the March concert for the Ensign Symphony - a semi pro symphony that I am the principal pianist for.  It's fine because there are 2 other pianists underneath me who have been covering for me on my leave of absence.  Last night, as I couldn't sleep I got on Facebook and read the flood of commentary coming in after the concert on what a huge success it was.

The October concert that I performed in with the symphony - featured with Jenny Oaks Baker

For the past week, I've also been in contact with the symphony's VP talking about when I would come back to participate. Their next concert is in May, but rehearsals start only 2 weeks after I will have had this baby.  And having a Csection...it usually takes 3 weeks for me just to feel normal again.  And that is just to walk around normally - NOT including doing physical things like sitting at a piano or playing the violin, etc.

So I opted out of the May concert.

So then they asked me if I was going to perform in the July concert - which is featuring special guest Alex Boye (sp?).  And again I had to say no because we will be in Utah for a family reunion (the concert is at Benaroya Hall on July 5th).

Not to mention, I have not really played the piano since December.  And not much - only a few hours to practice a song that I performed for 2 concerts with a violinist. It was not easy.  I couldn't reach the keys very easily and had to modify the music for my huge belly so I could avoid playing octaves or crossovers.

I have tried to practice once or twice since then, but without having back support on a piano bench and my big growing belly pushing my posture backwards, and just not reaching the keys and more issues....I had to give up and accept that I would not be playing the piano until after this baby is born.

In the mean time, in my own personal music career, I have had a few offers come in requesting me to perform in places like Russia, Scotland, Texas, and more. Also people interested in collaborating with me.  I have had to obviously tell everyone "No, I'm sorry but I am very pregnant and taking a hiatus from music right now."

And another thing - which is probably the hardest for me is that I have had NO inspiration to write any music.  It's like it's too overwhelming for my brain.  Every now and then I will listen to the kind of music that inspires me and I will get excited, but then it's a fleeting thought because I know I can't DO anything about it right now.

Me practicing for the December concert at 6 months pregnant....

And I often wonder when my "muse" will come back to me and inspire me to write new music again.

All in all, one could say I have really had to give up music during this pregnancy and it's been hard for me.  I feel a bit left behind, left out, and worst of all I feel my skills are extremely lacking. It's going to take a LOT of practicing to get back to where I was before.

I mean, I get it.

I knew when Will and I decided to get pregnant again right in the middle of a time in my music career where a lot was going on, that I would have to accept that it would take a backseat for a while. And obviously I was ok with that because music will (or it should be) be there for me after the baby, and bringing this child into our family needed to happen at this time and not later. I FULLY understood that and came to accept the Lord's will in all of this and knew that this is what needed to happen and supported it.

When I prayed about whether it was the right time to have another baby last summer - it was after a very long period of NOT wanting another baby, putting it off, just not being ready yet.  But when I got the answer that it was time, I specifically remember receiving the answer to my prayers that "As long as you follow the Lord's will, you will STILL BE BLESSED IN YOUR MUSIC CAREER."

Heavenly Father obviously knew this was a big deal for me and something that would require a big sacrifice on my part. I mean if you can imagine Will being asked to give up running for a year, or someone else being asked to give up photography or whatever hobby.   Just think of whatever it is that you LOVE to do, and then not do it for about a year.  Maybe that can help you relate to some of my feelings.

I say a year because it really has been since October 2013 the last time I was active in my music.  And having this baby next week (March), plus recovering, and when I finally do get back to slowly practicing and getting back into music, it will be summer time.  I won't be doing any concerts or anything until the fall or winter.  And then to get back to WHERE I was before, in terms of my career (making music videos, albums, being active in music, etc.) will probably take until early 2015 before I am remotely there again.  So again, imagine if you are a runner and to get back to your peak form in your best race would still not be until early 2015 when your last race was 2013.....I don't know, I hope that sort of helps put it into perspective.

Anyway, I don't know what my point is with all of this except that I was just thinking about ALL of this last night when I couldn't sleep - and seeing all the wonderful reviews of the symphony concert come in and how wonderful they sounded, and the really amazing opportunities being afforded to them right now (and I honestly fear my lack of involvement will get me kicked out) and to see many other opportunities passing me right now.

I do find myself wondering...when will I do music again?

When will I feel that feeling inside me where I will sit down at the piano and write new music again?

When will I recover enough to have the time?  WILL I have the time with 3 kids?

Is my music career over with 3 kids?  How will I do it?

I know that I am a very ambitious person, and when I set out to do something - I DO it. and I know I have the great support of my amazing husband.  But right now, I do get a little down thinking about it all.  I feel like a fraud in a way. I want to tell people that right now my piano skills literally suck, that I haven't played in months, that I couldn't write a song if you asked me to, and more.

Anyway.

I hope that one day I will look back at this blog and show myself what I have accomplished since then, and that this was just all a fleeting moment in time, and that the Lord really really does have more in store for me and that He keeps His promises and I will still be blessed in my music career.  I have to have faith that that is all true and it does give me hope. Music is a big part of my life, and my patriarchal blessing also tells me that it is meant to be a part of my life.

Until then...