Sunday, November 16, 2014

Riley Finn is 8 Months - and thoughts on having more babies

Today Riley turned 8 months old.

Time is flying WAY too fast for this mama and I just want him to stay little and immobile a bit longer. :)

Some things about Riley:

- Has 2 bottom teeth
- Is a cat napper
- Is so happy and pleasant to be around; doesn't really cry unless he is REALLY upset
- Is super chunky, I think he is 21 lbs?
- Blue eyes still.  Praying he keeps them. Got to have ONE blue eyed boy like papa.
- In size 4 diapers
- Eats solids including pureed baby foods, mashed bananas, graham crackers, baby banana crackers, and little bits of our food.  
- Still breastfeeds at least 4 times daily, and then tons in the evening and through the night.  Sigh.  Which leads me to....
- Not sleeping through the night and hasn't since he was about 4 months old.
- Sits up, but doesn't roll over or crawl. We think he is going to be a scooter like Taylor.
- Does not like his arms tied down or hands held or underneath a blanket.  This means he also DETESTS his carseat.
- Blue and orange look fabulous on him. :)
- Loves to laugh and watch his brothers, and gets pretty excited when they pay attention to him.
- Still a total mama's boy (and I love it).
- Is getting better with his pincher fingers
- Always has long fingernails and as many times as I clip them, he is pretty scratchy.
- Loves to play with anything plastic-y or loud and crinkly. Give him a piece of paper or a bag and he's entertained for at least a half hour (yes we keep an eye on him).
- Is super happy in the mornings and gives everyone huge smiles
- Still sleeps in our bedroom in the Rock 'n play but mama is finally ready to transition him to his crib - hoping that it helps him sleep more through the night (I think he is too big for his rock 'n play).
- Gets tons of compliments on his red hair.
- Lots of old ladies think he is a girl. lol.
- LOVES to eat.
- Still won't drink from a bottle.  But we do put water in a bottle and squirt it into his mouth.  He will not drink formula or breastmilk from a bottle either.
- Does not take a binkie. In fact anything that isn't a real nipple he just chews and and thinks it's some sort of joke.

He is a pretty happy little one and we are so lucky to have him in our family.

Thoughts on having more babies

I have been having sad thoughts lately about the fact that I can't have any more babies.  I KNOW. I totally never thought I would think this.

In fact, I remember being pregnant with Riley and telling Will on multiple occassions (sometimes through tears) that I "never, ever, EVER, want to be pregnant again. EVER."

Riley's pregnancy was so traumatic for me in so many ways. It was one of those "I know I need to be doing this but it is SO hard" things.  Getting through the 1st trimester when I had an irregularly shaped sac and the doctors told me that I would probably miscarry - ugh - all of the stress of each day just waiting to see blood or a heartbeat. It was hard.

And then getting through the 2nd and 3rd trimesters when I was dealing with depression so badly, and all of the usual body aches and pains I get with pregnancy as well.  Having hemorrhoids so bad that I couldn't even walk (YES that is a normal thing in pregnancy).  It was all, so very hard.  

But then he came.  And he cried, and then they laid him on my chest and it was the first time in all 3 of my deliveries that I was allowed to hold my newborn baby on my chest after a Csection.  He heard my voice and he stopped crying and just made these little lamb noises and put his head on me and breathed.  And I stroked the side of his head where his soft hair came down next to his ear, and I talked to him and tears rolled down my face.

And it wasn't hard any more.  It was complete joy.

And then my doctor took a while to sew me back up while I was bonding with this beautiful little baby I worked so hard to create, and told me "You should definitely not have any more kids.  Your uterus is in really really bad shape. I can barely even sew it back up, it keeps falling apart like crepe paper. Do you want me to do a tubal like we discussed if this happened?"

Will and I looked at each other.  It was decided for us.  There really wasn't a choice - I couldn't get pregnant again without the risk of a uterine rupture and killing the next baby and me bleeding to death.  So I had a tubal ligation. And then was sewn up.  All while holding my little Riley on my chest and nursing him.

It's now 8 months later, and he is THE sweetest baby.  Even on his bad days, on a scale of 1-10 of fussiness, he is only at a 1.  And maybe he might get to like a 4 on extremely bad moments, but it's like nothing.  Seriously.  He is so easy.

I've heard other moms talk about how they were baby hungry right after having a baby - and I thought they must be crazy. INSANE!! How on earth can you possibly be craving another baby when you are holding one on your lap right now? That you JUST gave birth to a few months ago???  Whaa...??

But I get it now.

It's the feeling of knowing your baby is growing faster than you want him to.  It's the feeling of wishing that he would just stay tiny a little bit longer because he is your last one and you know you will never get to snuggle a newborn again probably until you are a grandma.  It's knowing that even though your pregnancies were crap you would do it again if you could have all of these beautiful moments AGAIN.  It's hearing that your friends are pregnant again and more are on the way for them, but you are done with that phase.   No more baby showers. No more doctor appointments to hear heartbeats and see ultrasounds.  It's knowing that you are putting away the 0-6 month baby clothes never to get them out again, and are giving them away and it breaks your heart.

So yeah, our 8 month old still sleeps in our bedroom.  I still snuggle him EVERY SINGLE NIGHT from 7:30 until 10:00 or however long it takes for him to finally go to sleep for the night.  I love that he wants me more than he wants his Dad most of the time (sorry Will!).  I love that I can comfort him when no one else can. We go to him when he cries, and we notice every little thing he does that is new. We also notice all the things he is leaving behind and not doing anymore because he is growing bigger.


SO yeah.  I get it now.  And I also get why my mom and dad value SO much getting to spend time with our boys - because they miss their little ones too. 

I never thought I would be sad about not getting to have more kids.  I thought having to get my tube tied would make me so happy that I would never have to face the decision again of "Do we have another?".  But I am sad.  I will be okay, but I am a little sad.  

P.S. If anyone wants to be a surrogate for us, let me know. Haha. :) I'm kidding. Sort of.

P.P.S. I posted a new blog below about house hunting.


Emmy Southworth said...

I felt the same way about James. I snuggled with him extra long, which I think has made him a hugger and extra friendly kid. I finally just got rid of my maternity and baby clothes - nine years later! It's tough. I'm waiting for grandkids now.

James and Elizabeth said...

Oh he is so adorable. I just love his smile. Ahhh, so many of the same feelings. I love your little ones. Why do they grow up so fast?!

Aby Runyan said...

While I didn't have a tubal, the door is closed for us too. After 5 cesareans, I know I cannot do another. And while that's OK, I'm sad. I understand everything you've written. I've felt the very same way. That a period of my life is now over, my baby making days. And while there are many good things to come, I feel like a piece of me has been given away.

luvs, aby