From The Belly Diaries, Tues, Aug 10th, 2010
Yes, I'm still here and still fat and pregnant.
I had my 39 week Dr Appt this morning (38 and 1/2, being I won't be officially 39 for a couple of days).
It's weird to think that my next doctor appointment next Tuesday will be my 40 week appointment and then that's it. Thursday is my scheduled csection.
I have 8 days left until the csect date.
8 days to still try to encourage labor.
8 days of absolute miserableness.
See, God and I are pretty close and we have this agreement. I know that if it's safe for me to do a VBAC, then He'll make it happen. He'll help this little one to come early. Because given everything I've gone through to seek out a new doctor and change everything over just so that I can have the opportunity to try to VBAC, He surely knows what it would mean to me.
However, I know that if this little one does not come early, then it's Heavenly Father's way of telling me "Look, I know what is best for you and the baby and VBAC'ing is not it. End of story."
After going to my appointment this morning and finding out that there had been no change, yet again, for the 3rd appt in a row...I was seriously starting to doubt this whole vbac thing.
I was trying to not get my hopes up, but given how poopy I felt yesterday (it was seriously like THE worst I've felt in my entire life), I thought for sure it was a sign that this baby would be coming soon. I could have sworn he dropped even more, and with him keeping me up for 2 hours straight last night while he wiggled, stretched, kicked and more....I thought for sure he's trying to kick his way out and is getting things ready.
Still 80% effaced, still at a -2 station, and that !@)#(*!@#*)&(*^ cervix is still high and closed. (I don't really swear, but I thought that would get my point across about how I feel about my cervix right now. You can replace those exclamations with whatever you want. I was thinking "stupid", but whatever you want, like I said).
I know that the power of positive thinking, particularly when it comes to the human body, can have a big impact. I've really been trying to keep hope and stay positive. But I have to admit, after today's appointment, the only thing I could think was "My cervix is incompetant. I'm going to have a csection because my cervix is doing the exact same thing it did last time. My body just does not have a clue how to let go and go into labor on its own."
After being in induced labor with Preston for 22 hours, I was dialated to "maybe a 5, if even that" (said my doctor), "but your cervix is still up behind his head."
Now I don't understand all of the logistics of my own anatomy and how things work and come into place for labor, but I do know that the cervix is the door and if the door isn't in place, nothing's coming in or out. And apparently my body thinks it's Fort Knox.
It's hard to think positively right now, or to think that "this time it will be different."
Will said to me this morning "You still have 8 more days to try." All I heard in my head was "You have to still endure 8 more days of pain and misery."
Seriously, if you don't know why this last homestretch is miserable, here is a brief list of reasons why:
- My hips hurt
- My pelvic bones feel like they're being grinded on
- I feel like I can't get enough rest and am completely overly tired
- I have a baby's head that feels like it's between my legs
- I'm so loose that when I stand up after sitting, I feel like I'm going to dislocate something on my first step.
- My back is killing me- I'm super emotional and moody
- My legs will sporatically go numb from baby pushing on nerves
- I'm just DONE.
I think I just need to take a nap and catch up on some sleep, and then remotivate myself about this.
I'm going to try to do the exercise ball some more this afternoon to see if that will help (sitting on it and rotating hips around to try to encourage the cervix to come down).
That stupid stupid lame cervix. Er, uh, I mean wonderful cooperative healthy cervix!