Fishing for Fertility

Let me just start this blog out by saying that what I am about to write about is something that Will and I have learned to take lightly, only because it is a serious subject and we had to learn to take it lightly or it would get to us. That subject being the question we have received numerous times over the past 2 1/2 years: "So when are you guys planning to have kids?"

Well for all you inquiring minds - here is what you've been waiting for!

We have kept to ourselves about the subject for the most part, simply because well it's not exactly something you wear printed across a tshirt in bright yellow letters "Attention everyone: We plan to have kids on _________."

But as most of you know, when you're one of the only married couples in the ward without children people tend to ask you the question. And then once they find out that you're going on 3 years of marriage and still don't have kids, well then they either get really curious OR just figure you're a lost cause all together - LOL.

Right around our 1 year anniversary mark people started asking us about kids. A LOT. Like pretty much every time they'd see us, the subject was brought up. And Will and I would just always joke around and say "We can't have kids" or "We're infertile" just to evade the questions and not give anyone direct answers, etc... NEVER thinking that infertility would actually be an issue down the road.

It was really hard for me - I even sometimes avoided hanging out with people because I was afraid that the subject would be brought up yet again and I was tired of trying to defend ourselves. We would rehearse with each other what our pre-determined answers would be for the night before heading out to a social evening/outing, but after a while you run out of answers and you just don't want to deal with it.

So yeah, it's been kinda hard. It's hard to go to church and see all the babies, or to get at least an email every month or so from a friend who is announcing that they are pregnant. (but I've always been happy for them!! :) I think what the hardest part for me is, from the female perspective, is waiting...and waiting. And then you find out that yet again you're not pregnant for the umpteenth time you've tried and of course at the same time you feel like crap, have pms, and are majorly hormonal. LOL

That day was today for me. For the 18th month in a row.

Which brings me to the reason I'm writing this blog. I know it's a serious subject and if you're reading this you might be wondering why the heck Jenni is divulging in the matter. But we are all adults here. To be quite honest, as Will and I have been going through this process we've discovered many other couples who struggle with the same issues. Off hand, I can count 4 of our close friends who are dealing with this as well. And these are like actual friends we hang out with, not just people we casually know. So I know it hits close to home for many.

What I'm speaking of is infertility. Let me just upfront say that we certainly hope we are not infertile, but "technically" that is what our doctors have labeled us since we've been trying to conceive for at least 1 year without success. We've been trying for a year and a half. It doesn't mean you're infertile as in you have no chance of having kids, but just that you should have had some luck on your own by now and since you haven't, chances are you need some medical help to make it happen.

I just thought I would be open about it for once. I asked Will if he would mind me sharing our experiences in our blogs, and he fully supported me. I think it will be good, and if there is anyone else reading this who feels alone in this - well don't. And I don't want this to be all serious and stuff...

Which is why I will tell you about our fish =) Everyone else always posts blogs about their kids, so we'll post about ours: Our fish. Haha.

This guy hiding behind the rocks is "Blue Fish" (yes that is really his name).

I'm not really sure what kind of fish he is, but he is generally shy, swims all day and blows his lips out really weird when he's eating food. Don't ask. He's been part of our family for about 2 years. He originally had 2 siblings, but they didn't survive the transition from the store to our tank, so they had a proper burial in the toilet shortly after arriving to our home.

Our other 2 children - "Bugger" and "Fluffy" (or Dori and Nemo)

Fluffy is the cute little orange clown fish. He is quite friendly -if you put your finger up to the glass on the tank he'll follow it, like a little puppy dog. Which is why Will let me name him Fluffy. LOL (and also since Will won't let me get a real puppy until we have a house where he can run in the yard).

Bugger is our super uber-annoying dumb fish. He is also the "Alfa" fish of the tank. He's a blue tang, which are more aggressive breeds. The problem is, he thinks he is really tough, but he's such a weenie. He will chase the other fish around, nip at their tails, steal their food, etc....but as soon as one of the other fish turns around and retaliates Bugger will swim away as fast as he can and hide behind a rock. He is truly a wuss. (We call him Bugger because he bugs everyone in the tank).

This is our sea-worm, named "Dusty" (because he is a "feather duster")

This is our clam, his name is "Chowder".

And last but not least, this is our sea urchin. Will named him "Dribbles" because he resembled a basketball. Though, you can't really tell that right now because he likes to camoflauge himself in shells.

So anyway, back to the whole fertility thing.

Over the next several months, Will and I will be going through the necessary steps to do testing, etc. for fertility. This might sound weird, but the frustrating thing right now is that Will and I are very healthy people - but it makes it harder for doctors to find out the causes as to why you aren't conceiving. We both are active, have great blood results, my girly doctor says everything so far looks normal and healthy, great cardiovascular systems, no signs of cancer or diabetes, etc etc etc.

Part of me wishes that they would just hurry up and find something wrong somewhere just so we would know what the problem is. But the more tests that they do and the more they continue to find nothing wrong...well it just means you have to do MORE tests. (P.S. My mom thinks it's stress related and that I should quit my job - haha).

Argh.

I go back in later this month for an ultrasound to make sure all my girly insides are normal (more comprehensive than just a GYN annual). If all is normal, then they have to go in through my bellybutton with a scope and do some more testing. (My friend just had this done and found it very awkward and painful for weeks afterwards so I'm not looking forward to that). And then of course, there are also series of tests that the Will has to go through too. But we won't go into that. LOL (for once the guy can feel apart of the whole process! haha!). If they still don't find things wrong, then they start perscribing fertility medicine and the last resort would be invitro fertilization (test tube babies), which we pray we will never have to do because of the expense (which insurance doesn't cover). But we will cross that bridge if we come to it and would gladly do it if it is our only option.

Phew. Okay so I got ALL that off my chest.

I want to say though, that I married the most wonderful, understanding, fun, patient man in the world. We have a blast together and we try to make the most of our "alone" time right now while we can before kids come (which is why you seeing us playing so much on our blogs). I know that one day we will be blessed with children when the time is right - even if it takes the help of doctors to make it possible.

I sometimes fear that others might think we are "putting off" having children so that we can advance in our careers or do whatever. That certainly isn't true. Hello I just turned 30 and had hoped to of been a mother before that milestone =) I just read the other day that I've already passed my best childbearing years!! Haha! But we also aren't sitting around crying about it. We try to play hard and often, dream big and work to make the dreams come true while we can and then when little ones come our way we will be so happy that they can join us and bring even more joy into our home.

Okay so maybe we did cry over all the money we wasted on unnecessary birth control during the first year and a half of our marriage, but oh well! LOL.

So I'll be posting every so often about how this is all going for us - if anyone cares to know. If not, you can skip those posts.

Alright - well that's all the seriousness for one blog I can handle. Next blog - I'll report on my upcoming boring weekend of working in the office while Will goes backpacking with the guys. (But he doesn't know that Friday night all of us wives are going to The Cheesecake Factory! Sshhhhhh don't tell!)

Jenni

P.S. I just read my blog and thought Gosh I hope no one thinks we were wanting sympathy. That's not it at all. We just wanted to be open with everyone - and it has actually relieved a lot of burden off me - so that I don't feel like it has to be hush-hush or if people wonder anymore I can just say "here it how it is".