"...After the baby comes" - 36w 4d

From The Belly Diaires, Tues, July 27, 2010

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So, I'm not exactly sure how to write this...It's not a vent. I'm not upset.

Yes I suppose I am hormonal ;) But there is just something I wanted to say and I am any pregnant woman would completey empathize.

I won't lie. I will readily admit that this last week has been really hard on me. And also, that with each new day it seems to get harder and harder.

I have been really exhausted. I mean like really tired. I could seriously sleep 14 hours a day, except that I have a 2 year old to take care of, and I also haven't been able to get myself to sleep. Either my brain is too busy thinking about a bajillion different things or I am just too uncomfortable. So I'm a bit sleep deprived on top of being exhausted.I hurt.

I try to downplay it, but my entire lower pelvic region just aches. I am really loose, and so I just pop whenever I move. I was climbing some stairs yesterday and with each step I could feel my hip pop and move.

The baby is also really low. With each step I take, it almost kind of maneuvers his little head down more and more until I have to stop walking, let him move back up, and then start again. I am totally waddling because of it.

With him being so low, he pushes on some nerve or something and it make my left leg in the upper thigh region go numb. But then it also sends out this crazy painful nerve pain as well. So I end up having to stop whatever I'm doing and grab my crotch/thigh area and cry out in pain.

My back hurts too. Carrying a watermelon out in front of you 24/7 is just hard. When I was taking a shower this morning, I kept having to take breaks and leaning against the shower wall just because it was really tiresome to stand there.

Then there is the fact that I have my adorable little guy Preston to take care of. I cannot even begin to express how bad I feel lately about not being a better mom for him. He has been a real trooper and been good about playing by himself with his toys most of the time. But even just doing things like lifting him to his high chair, lifting him in and out of his crib, lifting him up to his changing table, lifting him in and out of his carseat, etc....not to mention he needs help with a lot of things and will ask for that help almost the instant I sit down to get a rest. It's not easy.

I have been so lucky to have had my mom help me out on several occassions these past couple of weeks. She is helping me again this week and taking Preston starting Thursday afternoon and then bringing him back Saturday morning. Most of the time when she takes him, it's been so that I can get some work done though.

What I wanted to express today is that sometimes I do feel though, as if people think that the hardest part is after the baby comes, and sometimes I don't think that people genuinely understand how hard the last month prior to delivery is. In my mind, what I've been feeling and going through lately is much harder than anything I experienced after I gave birth to Preston.

I have had a lot of responsibilities and requests to get things done before the baby arrives.

For the past 3 months, I worked very hard on composing an original film score that I was hired for. Through my dedicated hard work and a set of deadlines that I laid down for myself (not having anything to do with the director's deadlines), I was able to finish the score right at the 36 week mark. I did this on purpose so that I would have at least the last month of my pregnancy to concentrate on the baby, and also because I knew I would be getting very large and uncomfortable.

Even though I finished the score on time, it was not without difficulty. I spent many many countless hours at the piano and also at my computer recording, editing, mixing, and orchestrating parts. I would be so sore after each of these sessions after the time sitting.

I am also the coordinator for a committee in my church where I am in charge of planning, deligating responsibilities to a committee, and carrying out events. We have an event coming up on August 11th, and while I have been busy planning it with the others in charge, I am not planning to be there because it is so close to my due date and I know I won't be physically able to help setup, take down, coordinate, etc.

But even though I am not going to be there, I have been asked to do several things in preparation for the event. Numerous phonecalls, emails, meetings, and planning has been involved.

I am also supposed to finish an original arrangement of a song for a collegue and friend of mine. She sang the vocals for the film score that I just finished, and in return I readily agreed to do the song arrangement for her album. However, I didn't realize at the time when I said I would do it that she wanted it before the baby arrives. But, being grateful for her contribution to the film score I could not say no.

I also was reminded recently that I still have not finished editing and making copies of all of my music students work that they recorded over the last year and distributed it.

I have had a few different invitations as of late to attend different events, parties, etc. And when I politely explain that I am 9 months pregnant, uncomfortable, and would rather spend my evening in bed instead of on my feet at a party trying to pretend that I am enjoying myself, I seem to be met with the reaction that I am not at my due date yet, so come!

I have had so many dear people tell me "You poor thing, you look so big and miserable. Pregnant in the hottest part of the summer. You let me know if you need ANY help at all after the baby comes okay?"I just want to cry when I hear that.

And every time my phone rings with someone asking for something, wanting me to come pick something up, come to this or that, can you please create this or that...I get, well, depressed.

I just don't think that people remember, or fail to comprehend that while yes carrying for a newborn is hard work, but so is walking around with a watermelon all day long and a 36 pound toddler while your body is overweight and so relaxed that you feel like you're going to fall apart. Not to mention tired, uncomfortable, miserable, anxious, etc...

Honestly I just want to change my voicemail to say "If I don't answer, it's not because I'm ignoring you but it's because I'm probably napping, too big to get to my phone quickly enough, or I'm busy taking care of Preston. If you would like to HELP then please leave a message. Thanks."

So just a note to the general unpregnant population out there - JUST because a woman has not reached her due date, is not as big as she could ultimately get, or even if she might be just barely pregnant - do NOT just assume that she feels great, is able and willing, and especially don't assume that she doesn't need help until after the miserable event of pregnancy is over.

Okay that's all I wanted to say.

I'm going to try to go finish my nap now that was interrupted by 3 phone calls.